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May. 28th, 2008

Remembered

So this is something that I've been thinking about, and I just had a conversation with my Dad that kind of solidified it for me...

I remember being in high school, now a decade ago, and I remember the big dreams and plans I had for myself. I was gonna be the first Bannister to graduate college. I was gonna be a journalist, then later make movies. I was gonna have a wife, kids, a nice life, free from financial worry. I can still remember it, those days when I thought it would get better, that high school was the low point. I graduated in 1998 and thought the world was going to be mine.

Cut to 10 years later. I drank myself out of college and now my brother is on the verge of being the first. I still haven't gotten in shape. My guitar sits silent. I bought a camera that collects dust, My computer is used for this instead of editing. I can't find it in me to write anything anymore. Having only had 1 serious girlfriend in my life, which I am pretty sure was a fluke, I know now that I will mostly likely be single my whole life. No kids, no wife that will love me through it all. I know this is probably all due to me, but I know that still, I must endure this life alone. I wasn't built to have a companion. I struggle to get by due to vices I can't seem to break through. As my Dad said one time, I am a black hole for money. I live check to check. I've all but resigned myself that I will not be famous, or known, or much of anything except what I am now, which is not much.

I can accept all this. But there is one thing that I still want, and it's something that I haven't been for a very long time. I want to be remembered as a nice guy, a good person. I want people when they reminisce later in life about the people they knew, I want them to say "Jonathan Bannister was a great man. He was kind and thoughtful. He genuinely cared about people." As of late I have been none of this. I am mean and cold. I could give a shit about anyone. I always ask "what's in it for me?" I don't want to be like this anymore. I really don't.

So to everyone that I have ever hurt, offended, upset; I am sorry. I know I haven't been easy to deal with, and I know that I haven't always been fun to be around. Please forgive me, and allow me the chance to be better. I will be better.
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Apr. 6th, 2008

"What you know does not matter - what you do matters"

So here I am, my last night of freedom in terms of what I put into my body food and drink wise. Come tomorrow, no more beer, no more pizza, no more a lot of things.

I've tried this before, but something in me feels different. It's a lot like when I quit smoking. It's been 2 years this week. Maybe it's something to do with April and the coming of spring. All I know is, the fire is in me to finally take this on with dead seriousness. I am so sick of myself and the way I feel. It's time to face myself head on.

I went to the store and bought groceries. I cleaned my kitchen and fridge. It's now only stocked, with a couple odds and ends, with approved food. I am doing the South Beach Diet. I've thought about doing it for awhile, but a couple friends have been on it for 6 weeks and they have already seen huge change. I am stoked. I just need someone to come take all this beer out of my fridge.
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Mar. 23rd, 2008

Post-drunk blogging

I've been lonely lately. The tax on my brain for being an idiot. Liking a girl but knowing I won't make a move. I'd rather just pine. But I know it's for the best. Better then just making things awkward. I mean it's not like she would show the same interest in me that I have for her. My life doesn't work that way.

I know that I will feel infinitely better if I can just get myself together. Better about myself, both mentally and physically. I know that if I can get in shape, my anxieties about my health would drop, my confidence would be huge. Things would be better.

I know all this and yet I struggle with initiating the change and staying with it. Just like the film and music projects I long to do. I have some catch in me that makes me check out before I even begin. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's fear of failure. Maybe I've always been a glass half-empty guy. I think for all the strides I thought I had made in my self-image, it was a sham. Just puffing my chest out, lying to myself.

The truth is, I am still disappointed in myself. When I look at myself in the mirror, I want to spit at the glass, and that makes me useless to everyone else. Both in the fact that no matter how much someone likes WHO I AM, they can't get past WHAT I AM, a fat piece of shit. Also because if someone was willing to look past it, I've mentally fucked myself by believing no one can. I am "emotionally detached, too guarded, a wall". Just another one of those people who life passed by because I couldn't bother to stick out my thumb and ask for a lift.

Jan. 31st, 2008

It's a hard thing...

To realize how much of a failure and disappointment you are to your parents. Even if they don't say that to me and I know they don't think it....but I think it.
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Jan. 16th, 2008

Back to the Future

So as is my yearly custom I guess, my back decided today would be a good day to break. It felt a little testy this morning when I was putting on my shoes, but I thought I was OK. Drove to work and preceded to get out of my car...my back did not like that idea.

I made it an hour at work and then went home. Kind of hard to be productive when having to stand every 5 min. I was lucky enough to get into see this new Chiropractor that's on my work insurance. His specility is sports rehab and conditioning, so he's in line with what I like and want. The only problem is, today was just x-rays and some time on the Tens machine, no adjustment today until they can look at the x-rays and see the issue. I go tomorrow morning to get adjusted.

I hate being like this. I can only imagine what it must be like to be impaired forever. The frustration I get from doing simple things like using the restroom, or putting on my socks, becomes 30 min ordeals full of pain. I hate the feeling of helplessness and not being able to help myself, or have anybody to help me. Just me shuffling around my apt. If I sit for too long or lay down, it becomes another 10-15 min to try and get up, followed by the muscle lock and then stretch to work it out.

I've got to get in shape....

Jan. 1st, 2008

2nd Verse, Same as the First

Every year I try to plan a rocking good time for New Years Eve. It never pans out. Either the parties lame, the people even worse, or something just shitty happens. Last year for example was actually going pretty well. Till my cousin called me to say that she just found her mom, my aunt, dead in her home. So yeah.

This year I didn't give a shit. I didn't plan ahead. My friend D invited me to one of his friends house parties. I said sure. Why would I agree to go to a house full of strangers you ask? Well one of D's friends apparently mentioned to him that I was "cute". So I said "I want to meet this crazy person".

At the party, it's a very nice house filled with literal Ivy Leaguers. As in people who graduated from Georgetown, and Purdue. Mostly ex jocks, swimmers. And when I say swimmers, I mean people who qualified for the Olympics. I felt like such a child bringing a bottle of Jager over. It was a very nice party. I talked to D and maybe a couple other random people. Conversing with strangers is hard enough for me, but when we have nothing in common, impossible. That girl that said I was cute, never showed. I left at 11:10. Got home about 11:30. Had a beer at 12. Just me in my apartment. I went to bed.

Dec. 21st, 2007

Top 20 Albums of 2007:

Top 20 Albums of 2007:

1. Radiohead - In Rainbows
2. Life Without Buildings - Live Annandale Hotel
3. Queens of the Stone Age - Era Vulgaris
4. Nine Inch Nails - Year Zero
5. Sole and Skyrider Band - S/T
6. The National - Boxer
7. Travis Morrision - All Y'All
8. hollAnd - The Paris Hilton Mujahideen
9. Grinderman - Grinderman
10. Vic Chesnutt - North Star Deserter
11. Battles - Mirrored
12. Justice - Cross
13. Les Savy Fav - Let's Stay Friends
14. Liars - Liars
15. Antelope - Reflector
16. Joe Lally - Nothing Is Underrated
17. Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
18. LCD Soundsystem - Sound of Silver
19. Dax Riggs - We Only Sing for Blood or Love
20. PJ Harvey - White Chalk

Dec. 1st, 2007

I Realize

Just a quiz, but I kind of liked this one and it's been awhile:

1. I've come to realize that my butt:
Is quite possibly the biggest thing on me. Even more so then my head which is already in danger of having it's own gravitational pull.

2. I've come to realize that when I talk :
I mumble and most of the time, no one can hear a word I am saying.

3. I've come to realize that, if I love someone (not family)
They will not love me back.

4. I've come to realize that, I need:
My God, My Family, My friends, Me.

5. I've come to realize that I lost:
My ability to wish impossible things.

6. I've come to realize that, I hate it when:
People don't give me as much credit as I give them.

7. I've come to realize that, if I'm drunk:
I am a lot looser with people and am what people call "a fun drunk".

8. I've come to realize that, marriage:
Is a form of punishment in some countries.

9. I've come to realize that, chap stick:
Is more addicting then herion, World of Warcraft, and Masturbating COMBINED.

10. I've come to realize that, I'll always be:
alone.

11. I've come to realize that, I have a crush on:
nobody. I've given up taxing my brain with such foolishness.

12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was:
Sunday when my family left. I had a beer and listened to Bob Dylan. "A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall" gets me.

13. I've come to realize that, my cell phone:
is the best cell phone ever made.

14. I've come to realize that, when I wake up in the morning:
I am not as tired as I used to be, and it's always 9:30.

15. I've come to realize that, before I go to sleep at night i:
try to make note of the last song I heard before I was out.

16. I've come to realize that, right now I am thinking about:
the TV stand I just finished building and when will the CD's I ordered come in the mail.

17. I've come to realize that, babies are:
not something I really ever want, but only so that the name Bannister can carry on.

18. I've come to realize that, when I get on Myspace:
I spend most of my time listening to music.

19. I've come to realize that, today I will:
not be up for much longer

20. I've come to realize that, tonight I will:
sleep in my big super comfy bed with just me.

21. I've come to realize that, tomorrow I will:
Watch a bad movie and generally do very little until it's beer thirty

22. I've come to realize that, I really want to:
be financially secure

23. I've come to realize that, the person who is most likely to repost this is:
anyone with time on their hands.
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Nov. 28th, 2007

List of Whine

This is just a list. I find it disheartening

-that you date a douche bag
-that people die every day before they were supposed to
-that you listen to really bad music
-that you continue to act like an 18 year old brat
-that there are people who have experienced even LESS attention from the opposite sex then I have
-that I seem to have lost the ability to interact with others
-that you fuck someone else instead of me. I got skillz.
-that you are still living in Odessa and will never leave
-that you gave up your dreams
-that I may have given up on mine
-that people in this country think they have it rough when they don't truly understand what it's like to live in a "hell hole"
-that a vet is homeless after all they gave for us
-that people have forgotten to have fun
-that you think marriage and a child will solve all your problems
-that it just doesn't seem to change
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Nov. 8th, 2007

The Only One

Yes that's right. When a girl calls and wants to come over to my place to watch a movie at 11:30PM? It means they come over, we watch a movie, they leave. I've got the skills.
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